All is not as I wish it were. All is not as the Hallmark channel would paint it (I love Hallmark, by the way!). But...all is well. And I'm thankful.
It's 9:00 AM and I'm sitting on my front porch drinking my breakfast smoothie. (It would have been so much more "Hallmark" of me to say I was sipping my coffee, but it's just not true!)
We've lived in this house 15 years, and I almost never sit on my big welcoming front porch. I'm not sure why because it's very therapeutic! Regardless, I'm here now and there's so much to see and hear and think about; so many reasons to have a grateful heart.
One reason is that spring finally came to Indiana! It's supposed to be raining right now, but somehow the sun is shining, and a beautiful breeze rustles the new greenery on the trees so that I can hear it. The horses in the field across from me are whinnying, and I know there will soon be laughter and little voices on the playground behind the horse field when recess begins at the elementary school.
Today I stopped to look-- REALLY look. Our viburnum bushes are in full bloom, and the lilacs are just beginning to open up. My redbud tree has blooms, and the decorative red bush on the corner of our house sports newly grown little pink flowers. I think it's time for the first yard-bouquet of the season! Oh, and I did take note that some of my little impatiens need water.
And I'm thankful all over again, for so many things. My friends and family love and support me. My church family truly is my family. My Facebook "friends" are real friends that show up when I need them. I'm finally home from work so I can concentrate on taking better care of myself and doing things that might improve how I feel. Even though I just took a 100% pay cut (ouch!), God is providing for all our needs. My parents are back home from a 3- or 4-month trip, and I've missed them so much. I have a purpose and ministry at church and I feel needed. I have a wonderful 27-year marriage to the most precious man I've ever met. And God just gave him a part-time job to help where my income has stopped. And through the application process for this job, we learned that he had very high blood pressure and we've been able to get treatment for it.
So many reasons to be thankful. But the biggest one is probably this: I woke up this morning to the realization that I'm not angry anymore. I spent the better part of the 6 years since my Parkinson's diagnosis being angry, and today I'm not. I don't know when the anger left, but little by little it seeped away, and tiny seeds of gratitude are growing up in its place.
I remember being angry in so many of my previous posts. I didn't want to be that way, but my heart was raging at the unfairness of it all; at the ambition that still grew within me to do and be things my body could no longer perform; at the memory of youth and health that had escaped untapped; at the senselessness of it all; and even at my own inability to be grateful.
Today I realized my anger is gone, and all that remains is peace and gratitude. There will come heartaches and hard times, and actually, some of them are going on in my life today, but they will not, cannot steal this gratitude that has rooted out the anger.
Thank you, Lord. Let this be true of me tomorrow and the next day and the next.
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