It's Been a Hard Day

I'm tired.

When you get older (or when you have Parkinson's Disease), tiredness is cumulative. If I did too much yesterday, I'll be tired today. If I add to that tiredness by doing too much again today, I may be so tired that I can't do anything at all by tomorrow.

And that's exactly what happened. Yesterday I went straight from work to the Life Wellness Center, and got home around 9:30. Day 1 of too tired. Tonight after work, we went out for a cheap dinner, then grocery shopping, then a gas station stop. Home around 8:30 PM. Day 2 of too tired.

My body is so weak I can hardly move and my legs feel like jelly. My walking gets worse when I am fatigued, and while I was in Kroger I could hear my feet slapping against the floor. I thought that was a bad thing, so I decided to try to practice my walking. The grocery store is a great place to practice, with its wide, level, straight, cement walkways....heel, toe, heel, toe ....but all to no avail. My body was too tired to take the commands my brain was trying to send. My left foot kept dragging.

Worst of all is when I can't hide my symptoms at work. A couple of days ago, on the front end of all this tiredness, one of my customers said, "You're moving kind of slow today." I  know it was meant in the best possible way, but I didn't know what to say, and it made me uncomfortable. Things like that have happened a lot to me lately and I just hate it. I don't want people to notice, or feel sorry for me, or make me feel self-conscious. I guess they don't know better, but what am I supposed to say? "Oh yeah, I have Parkinson's Disease, just ignore me."    

I know most of the time I am walking with a limp now, but I can't help it. An increase in medication would help that problem, but, as you might remember, my body won't tolerate any more of any of the medications appropriate for my stage of the disease.

I want it fixed. Now. Every single day I feel that way.

It's not in God's plan, apparently, and, even though nearly 3 years have passed since my diagnosis, I still don't understand why. I'm not good at being sick, and I don't want to get good at it. But I do wish God would let me know the "why" of it.

A couple of days ago, when I went public with my blog, a good friend commented that I am a strong woman. I've been thinking about that, and decided two things:

1)  (And this one is the right answer) Whenever I have any strength, it came from the Lord. Songs and scriptures have been written about that, but right now I can't think of a single one. But I know it's true.

2)  (This is a little more un-spiritual) Everyone thinks people who go through difficult things are strong. It's not that we're strong, it's just that, well....what else are you going to do? When you have to move, and the only way to go is straight ahead through the swamp, what else can you do? You just start walking through the swamp. Right?

I'm tired, and none of my body parts want to work, so I'm going to say good night. Tomorrow will be better.