Never Have I Ever...

Our current Sunday morning sermon series is on the Beatitudes in the book of Matthew, and this morning we looked at "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they shall be satisfied."

Our pastor started with a question:  "Can you think of a time when you were ravenously hungry or desperately thirsty?"

I thought long and hard, entirely missing the next few minutes of the sermon. I remembered recent times I thought I "was starving." I remembered diets and fasts I endured. I remembered college days when I pulled all-nighters to work on a term paper, putting aside food and other luxuries until I finished. I recalled working in my dad's 2-acre garden in the hot sun, wishing for lunch or a cold drink of water. I ransacked my memory banks all the way back to my childhood.

And I decided something. I decided that never have I ever...been desperately hungry or thirsty. Never. What does that say about me?

It says I had parents who loved me and fed me, even when money was tight. I remember a short period of time as a 10-year-old girl when my dad was unemployed. It was summertime, and our garden was in full harvest, which was a good thing for us. He went hunting every day, and if he killed a quail or a squirrel or a rabbit, we had meat for supper. If he didn't, we ate vegetables from our garden. Many were the nights when I stood at the sink with my mom cleaning the last buckshot out of a rabbit before flouring it to fry it up for dinner, thankful for the meat we had that night.

But the fact remains:  I have never been desperately hungry or thirsty. That speaks volumes about me. It says I am blessed to live in a wealthy country, where most of our citizens are well-fed and lack nothing. It says I have a reasonable ability to look ahead and save for immediate needs. Most of all, it says that God has prospered me abundantly with things I take for granted every day.

It says I am blessed.

Never have I ever. Thank you, Lord.

Walking on the Water

God has never called me to exercise such faith as He has just now. I have never felt so out of control as I do right now. Life has never been more uncertain than it is right now. I'm walking on the water, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

I am Peter. The storm rages around me, our tiny boat is taking on water, and I admit it; I am terrified. The lightning flashes and we catch glimpses of a distant vessel and its single occupant. Maybe help is coming? A peal of thunder roars across the water and the sky lights up like the noonday sun. In that moment we see the vessel is closing fast, and the commander, he's...he's standing up tall, still and straight, on the bow of the boat, unafraid. He seems to hover just above the vessel like no human could do. Is this a ghost? The vessel's approach is swift and now he is so close we can hear his voice over the din of the storm. It sounds like Jesus? No. It can't be him. We left him on the shore to rest several hours ago after he finished preaching.

But the voice -- it sounds like his. If it's really him, he can walk above the water. He can do things. He knows things. If it's really him.

Our boat is filling with water and we're bailing as fast as we can, but it's not enough. Terror grips my heart. I look up at him, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come." Just one word. Come. But it is enough. It is Jesus.

What is there to lose? We are taking on water and we're far from shore; we'll all most certainly drown without him. Yes, Jesus, I'll come.

My hands grasp tight to the sides of the boat, but only for a second. All doubt disappears and with one leap of faith I'm on the water, eyes trained on Jesus. Our eyes lock and all else falls away; His alone is the power. His alone is the glory. In Him alone is my faith. The water is solid, the storm fades, and I'm taking another step toward my Savior.

Lightning cuts through the sky and arches out behind me. His eyes hold mine, willing me not to look away. A clap of thunder nearly drowns the screams of my companions and I hear the unmistakable cracking sound of our mast as it splinters and catches fire. His eyes hold me, implore me, steady me. But I must know.

And so I look away. I look behind me at the triumph of the storm's fury. The fire, the lightning, the thunder...and the water.

"Help me, Lord! I'm going under." I should be afraid, but I am calm. Cold black water swallows me, pulls me down. Seaweed tangles around me and I close my eyes and wait. It's quiet.

A beat, maybe two, and suddenly my senses are alive and my body tingles with power as a hand reaches deep to touch my own. His hand. It raises me up, up, up, and I feel hope coursing through my heart. I emerge from the water to find myself face to face with Jesus. He's in our boat, both hands now raised to the sky, locked in a fierce battle with the storm. Finally, He lowers His hands and his head. The wind dies away with the motion and the sky sucks the rain back into itself. The lightning is extinguished like a campfire, and the stars appear.

He looks at me again and all I ever needed is in his eyes. There is no condemnation. He is God. My God. My Savior. The One who commands the universe. The One who knows my next step. The One who pulls me up when my feet fail.

My storm isn't lightning and waves, but I am Peter. All is stripped away until all that is left is to look at God. All I can do is trust. So I plunge out of the boat, onto the water.

Catch me, God. Hold me up above the waves. Extinguish the storm. Calm my fears. Hold my hand. Dry my feet. Comfort my soul.

Here I am.

Where Feet May Fail...Below is the link to one of my favorite songs about being called out onto the water. Listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJJJkiRukY

Matthew 14

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

It's Not Okay

My niece, Livvy, and I have a wonderful and close relationship; I respect her opinion and often seek her advice. But sometimes we keep it light and just chat, or brainstorm, or laugh.

A couple of days ago we were together discussing health issues, both our business endeavors, and other fairly weighty issues. I wasn't feeling particularly optimistic about any of them and spoke openly about my frustration. My wise, sweet niece called me out on it in her own respectful, loving way.

She reminded me of conversations we've had in the past in which we discussed the impact of our words, and the effect of positive affirmations, particularly those spoken out loud.

Of course, I immediately began making excuses, "But I don't feel that way. I seriously don't feel good and I am truly having issues with my business. What am I supposed to say? I can't say 'oh, I feel great' when I don't!"

"You say it sarcastically or jokingly if you have to, but you say it. Out loud. It's okay to say, 'oh, I'm just full of energy today,' even when you think you can't take another step."

And the implication was, "It's NOT okay to give the enemy a foothold with your words."

Our words matter -- just think of all the Scriptures that reference words! Here are just a few:

• God SPOKE everything that is into existence
• The Israelites experienced God's punishment because they GRUMBLED against Moses
• The Israelites SHOUTED and the walls of Jericho came down
• God caused a donkey to SPEAK in the Old Testament to get the donkey's owner's attention
• Jacob was named deceiver and he became exactly that; God renamed him Israel and he turned his life around and lived up to his new name
• The book of Romans tells us we must 'CONFESS WITH OUR MOUTH' the Lord Jesus Christ' and believe in our hearts to be saved

Livvy's right--my words matter. I'm so grateful she loved me enough to speak truth into my life that day.

It's not okay to verbalize defeat. Instead, I decided that day to claim happiness, and it revolutionized my day!    

I Want...

I want...something, but I don't know what it is. I feel unsettled.  I'm vaguely unhappy and I don't know why. I'm feeling empty, tired, and in need of something different.

Sound familiar? It's certainly an old and comfortable chorus in the song of my life. I revert to this stanza regularly, and I never seem to find answers to stop the coda of repeats. It seems that I always end up back on this verse, rehearsing the restlessness, singing the blues, holding out for the next thrill, drumming my fingers, wishing for who-knows-what.

And then, out of the blue, today it hit me. I'm not missing anything. I'm not empty. I'm not unfulfilled. I'm just falling for one of the oldest tricks in Satan's handbook.

Discontentment.

Discontentment makes you want something more. Makes you believe that something is missing. Obscures the blessings that come your way. Deceives you into thinking the next thrill will satisfy you. Causes you to lust after the world. Keeps you off balance. Makes you ineffective in your day-to-day life. Derails your focus.

Discontentment is believing a lie that keeps you perpetually waiting for something to fill you. Your self-focus on fulfillment stops you from ministering to others. As a matter of fact, it stops you from any outward-focused activity at all.

What if we stopped entertaining restlessness, stopped looking for something to consume. What if instead, we counted our blessings, reflected God's love? Would the restlessness go away?

I'm sorry for the restlessness I have entertained and nurtured. I am already full, already blessed, already fulfilled. I just forgot for a moment.

"Count your blessings, name them one by one; count your blessings, see what God has done..."

Giving and Receiving Advice

Advice. I've earned the right to give some!

When you've lived long enough to have a little age on you, and to show a little wear and tear around the edges, something happens inside you that makes you want to give advice and share what you've learned over the years. Unfortunately, not everyone receives it well! When I was young, I don't remember placing importance and respect on all the advice available to me from my older relatives and acquaintances. I wish I could go back and do that differently.

So if anyone would listen, what would I tell them?

To some of my family members, I would say be kind and tolerant. You don't have to be abrasive to make your point. It's okay, and even good, to have your own strong opinions on current issues, but remember there are many good people out there who do not, and never will, share your viewpoint. They're still good people. It's not our job to argue and beat them down until they are cowered in a corner with no choice but to pretend to go along with you. Let your natural sweet self shine through. Be more concerned for other people's personal well-being than you are about whether they agree with you.

To others in my family, I would simply say there is only one true God Jehovah, and you will one day stand before Him. When you do, all the things of this life will fall away as unimportant and meaningless. Whether or not you believe it has no bearing on whether it's true. Now is the time to prepare for your eternity.

To my insistent customers at work--those who leave me a message at 7 PM and call again at 10 AM the next morning wondering why I haven't returned their call yet....you are not my only customer. Your file is important, but today it might not be the MOST important one on my desk. There's only one of me, and you have no idea of my workload. Relax..just a little, at least!

There are those people who use Facebook and other social media as their own personal venue for incendiary and deliberately controversial comments. Please stop it! You're ruining a good thing, spreading ugliness in the world, and baiting people into showing their darker selves.

To young people trying to figure out who to be and how to act:  be yourself....always! Whether it's a job interview or a date, if you put on an act and you actually get the job (or the second date), it won't last. Eventually, your employer or your date will find out who you really are. You'll crash and burn.

To Christians who sit in restaurants long after closing and leave inadequate tips:  please don't tell the servers you are Christians -- you're giving the rest of us a bad name.

I would like to advise some of my family to be less narrow. Being well-read is a good thing, but when you only read sources that support your own viewpoint, you're closing your mind more and more every day, not opening it, or expanding your horizons. Don't be afraid to read and consider other viewpoints. It will make you stronger!

So, I've given out all my good advice for the day.

Now I'll tell you what advice I'd like to receive:

• How do you live with this disease?
• How do you afford to go on disability? Do you have to sell all you hold dear and move out of your beloved home just to quit work and have more good years?
• Is that trade-off worth it?
• How do you simplify your life to the point that you can manage it when you get home at night?
• How do you live with the guilt of what you're doing to your spouse, as they are forced into the role of caregiver?
• Is there happiness in spite of PD?

Ouch! Asking for that advice was a little more painful than I thought it was going to be! If you have answers for me on any of those questions, please comment. I'd love to hear from you.

Counting my Blessings

You know what? Life is good. Even if it's just for this one minute, it's good. I spend so much time complaining that today I want to just tell you the good things. I want to proclaim them for everyone to know!

You've heard it said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...well, I think good and bad are in the attitude of the proclaimer. The last time I posted, my feelings were raw, I was afraid, I felt bad, and I was losing hope. I wrote a transparent post that revealed all of that to the reader... I didn't leave you guessing about how I felt!

Today...well, today is a whole new day. It's a GOOD day, and you know why? Because I feel good and I have hope again. Objectively speaking, the world looks pretty much the same as it did when I last posted, but one thing has changed:  my attitude is different. See? Good and bad are in the attitude of the proclaimer!

The good things in my life today won't mean much to most of my readers, and that's okay. In a few minutes, I'm going to name them anyway. Maybe it will encourage you to make your own list of good things. But before I give you my list, I want to tell you about a childhood memory.

We always went to church when i was growing up, and all the songs we sang are indelibly imprinted in my mind even today. I remember one old hymn we must have sung a lot. It was called "Count Your Blessings," written by Johnson Oatman, Jr. in 1897. Even though it's an old song, the principles are sound, the theology is right, and the application is still current. Here are the words:

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
2. Refrain:
   • Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God has done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
3. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
4. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—money cannot buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
5. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

So.... here are some of my specific personal blessings in this good day, recounted in no particular order. I'd like to name them publicly now, and be grateful for them:

My parents just adopted an adult woman my age! I have a sister now!

It's Independence Day. Our country is still a good place to live -- we are all rich in comparison with most other countries. And, depending, upon which index you reference, the US is still ranked as the 20th freest country in the world.

My new PD medication is agreeing with me, and after only 3 days, I might be starting to notice a difference! I'm actually a little concerned that I might have TOO much energy -- sleep is not even close, and it's after 11:00. That's okay -- I have hope now, and that makes all the difference.

When I went out to eat with my family for lunch today, I found that Ruby Tuesday's actually has a gluten-free bun! I had the first hamburger sandwich WITH bun that I've eaten out in literally years!

My brother and my nephew are staying over with us tonight so they can catch an early train out for their next job in Denver tomorrow morning. I got to fix snacks for the road for them and provide them a free, clean place to sleep tonight.

My parents and my new sister came to visit today. It seems my parents recently "found" some forgotten money, and they decided to share with us!  They got us a new printer, filled up our gas tank, and took me shopping today! We had such a sweet visit!

Our house is fairly clean and picked up, so we were able to welcome last-minute company without anxiety.

We actually got our printer hooked up and working without having to call support for help! This is BIG for non-techy people like us!

I have a good job that has the potential for significant earnings, and it really is going pretty well. I'm looking forward to going in tomorrow after the long weekend. Well, okay, that might be slightly overstated...I'm not dreading it, at least!

Our garden is beautiful, and it's bearing cucumbers, peppers, and zucchini. There are pretty green tomatoes on the vines just biding their time, waiting to ripen. Our garden makes me smile all the way down in my heart.

Lastly, I've had the privilege of calling the sweetest, kindest man in the world my husband for 25 years now!

I am blessed. The blessings didn't come because I felt good today. They were there all along, I just couldn't find them. Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough.

Go out today and be blessed. Count your blessings with me!

Faces of Humanity

It’s easy to get caught up in my own little world, writing about my own little disease, my own little vacation, my own little life…

But all around me are faces of people with lives of their own. They remind me not to become so self-absorbed; that my life isn’t nearly so bad, or maybe that it isn’t nearly so good, as someone else’s. And almost anyone is willing to talk to a listening, sympathetic ear.

I don’t know how people know I’m a good listener, but they instinctively seek me out --- and I’m talking about total strangers now, not just friends and acquaintances. People in Kroger ask if I know where the beans are. People in the parking lot ask me for directions. People in Kohl’s ask me about the weather.

Once my niece walked through Kroger with me and we must have talked to 3 or 4 strangers. I asked her if I had a sign on my forehead that said, “Talk to me.” She told me my problem is that I make eye contact and smile at people.

Is that really a problem? I like people. They remind me that there’s goodness in the world; sometimes they make me remember there’s evil in the world too. But always they make me mindful that my life and circumstances are not the worst or the best.

I’m sitting in our Amtrak sleeper berth right now, blogging offline until I can find a connection. We’re on our return trip after a lovely vacation. We departed Grand Junction, CO at 10:23 AM, about an hour ago. We’re due in to Chicago’s Union Station at 2:50 tomorrow afternoon, then destination Indianapolis around midnight tomorrow night.

In all of our wanderings over the last week or so, we’ve met lots of strangers with compelling stories. I know I’ll never see them again, and I wonder what will become of them.

I’m thinking especially of Phyllis...quite a forward older lady who asked if she could sit with us in the observation car on our westbound train. We were enjoying the intimacy of our shared anticipation of the next leg of our journey, and didn’t really want company. But Phyllis was alone and apparently needed companionship, so we said we didn’t mind if she sat with us. We wanted to enjoy conversation with each other, but Phyllis kept us occupied with chit-chat non-stop for about 2 hours, during the most scenic portion of our train ride. She was returning home to Glenwood Springs after attending her grandson’s 4th birthday party in Denver. She was a retired controller, and chatted about her daughter, water rights, the “world’s oldest visible stone,” a recent train accident, why you shouldn’t talk on your cell phone while charging it, and the flora and fauna of this part of the country (to name a few!). I told her it was our 25th anniversary, and she said, “That used to be part of my happily ever after too, until I got a divorce.” Though she didn’t go on, it was obvious that Pandora’s box of pain, shame, and disappointment had cracked it’s lid a little.

And then there was Adam, our shuttle driver from the hotel. He used to work in the oil fields, and only saw his family once every 2 or 3 months, so he quit and took this job for about one third of the pay. He said it was his first “tip job.” He didn’t do anything out of the way, but I got the feeling there was a rougher side to him that we were not seeing. He showed us where his family lived, and alluded to the fact that he might have had a drinking problem in the past. He would have told me anything else I wanted to know, but I didn’t ask.

We also met Ella May and her friend, both in their 80’s, who took lavish and frequent vacations together; Jan, a tour director who hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in at least 2 days because she was taking care of injuries and illness within her group; two unnamed guys in their 60’s, one of whom shared my banking profession and just retired June 1; Torrie, our server at Jeffrey’s Steakhouse, who is getting married in 2 weeks and wanted to know the secret to making a marriage last 25 years; and an older French couple who couldn’t speak a word of English, but managed to communicate that he had been in insurance and she was in banking.

These are the faces of humanity. These are people I don’t really know, but I sympathized with and privately prayed for. These are  people who shared a piece of themselves with a total stranger, trusting they would be well-received. These are people who might hurt more than I hurt...who might have deeper scars than I have, and whose future may be bleaker than mine.

God bless you, Phyllis, Torrie, Jan, Ella May, and all the rest who may not have shared your name with me. Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only one in pain, and my pain is not greater than everyone else’s pain. Thank you for granting me perspective.

For a convicting music video by Brandon Heath that puts feet to this topic, go to https://g.co/kgs/pJvWxE.

Short Take...Every Day

Winning...

Choosing right...

Surrender...

Accomplishing these things is good, but it's a daily discipline. Pretty soon all those individual days of discipline put together make a habit.

The key is that it happens one day at a time.

Winning, choosing right, surrender -- you don't just do it once, and then you never have to work on it again. No, it's a daily thing. If I won yesterday, I have to do it again today, and again tomorrow.

Keep at it. Every single day.

Welcome, world, to my own private pep talk for Tuesday!

We are an Army, Looking for Meaning in the Storm

It's been a while since I last posted to my blog. I was ready to write last week when something bad happened and derailed me.

My brother -- my only sibling -- was in a racing accident the morning of February 13. I'll spare the details, but his car caught fire during a race, and he suffered life-threatening 1st-3rd degree burns on 7% of his body and face. He was airlifted to a world-class burn unit in TX, near where he was racing at the time. Our family was immediately plunged into crisis mode, where we still remain.

It's been a family cooperative, this getting through crisis. My brother is healing better than we might have expected and we await word on whether he will need surgery. We are so grateful.

Through all of this, however, and through my own Parkinson's Disease made worse by recent stress, I am left to ponder something:  How are we validated for our struggles? When do we get to know it was, indeed, worth it? Where's the glimmer of meaning that will carry us through one more day? Am I the only one who ponders such things?

I'm not asking why (at least not today!). I'm not expressing anger. I'm not questioning God. I'm just asking for our experiences -- mine and my brother's, and yours -- to have meaning. Tangible, measurable, quantitative meaning that leaves us feeling glad to have been a part of it, in spite of the pain.

If I can share my experience with someone and help them through their own pain, that's meaningful. If I am changed into a better or more godly person through my pain, that's meaningful. If God re-purposes me for something I'm now uniquely qualified to do, that's meaningful.

Finding meaning in the storm is the only way I have found to survive it. God forbid I should come through the storm, and emerge as exactly the same person who went into it. I want to come out wiser, or stronger, or better, or happier. I cannot bear coming out just the same.

God grant us -- you and me, Stephen, and anyone else fighting your way through your own storm -- God grant us meaning we can measure, change we can see, and hope for tomorrow.  

As I look through Facebook, I try to pull myself out of my own little world long enough to see what others are going through; I try to keep from focusing on just my own family's trauma. And then I see it -- pain and suffering. So many of my friends are in crisis. My family is not alone, we are not the only ones fighting, we are not the only ones in quiet pain. There's an army of us marching through the storm. May we march together, not in solitude. May we find meaning together.

So, Army, let's fight, fight, fight! Let's determine to be hopeful. Let's emerge better on the other side because of the pain. And let's encourage each other as we walk in step together in this new day.

May God bless us all today. Amen.



To help defray my brother's medical costs go to:
www.gofundme.com/WRLRacerReliefFund

#RaceDad

Change Me, God

Have you ever had flashes of higher-level spiritual thinking that you struggled to wrap your mind around; that you tried to hang on to before it slipped away? I literally had a day full of that kind of revelation, and part of the purpose of today's post is to ensure I don't forget it!

The first revelation happened this morning as I was leaving for work. The sun was shining, and there was a perfect shadow on the brick exterior of my home. It was an exact replica of the bush that sits at the corner of the house, complete with a bird's silhouette in the middle of the bush. I sat quietly in my car, appreciating the sight, then decided to try to capture the scene in a picture. Below is the picture, but alas...the bird flew away before I could photograph it. That moment caused me to meditate on God's great power -- that He could command the birds to do his bidding, that He could summon the sun to shine. We all know the Bible stories of Jesus calming the sea, but this was real life, here and now. I saw God's hand right in my own yard, and I remembered how relevant, timeless, and unchangeable He is. It's been a while since I thought about that.

Second revelation:  today, I caught myself asking God to do something unimportant. I tried to justify my request, and finally just said, "God, would you do it just because you love me?" And immediately I realized I was asking for something I wasn't willing to give. What have I done lately just because I love Jesus? I can't tell you one single thing I've done to express my love for God of late. That makes me ashamed. It makes me acutely more aware of my shortcomings. If I loved Him better, I would show it more.

The third revelation came while I was listening to Christian radio today, and heard a new song by Colton Dixon called "Limitless." I was reminded, not only how limitless God's power is, but also that we have inside us the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. What am I doing with that power? Or have I forgotten it's even there? 

The culmination of all of these revelations hit me as I pulled into the driveway this evening:  I have every reason to live a victorious life. And yet, I don't. Why not?

I don't have an answer. Or maybe I just don't like the answer I'm getting. I do know for sure that God has called me to live victoriously, but I think lately I've been living as a victim. 

How many times do I have to learn this lesson? No wonder I'm tired all the time.

That's it -- that's all I've got! 

Lord, help me be changed by the truths You showed me today.

It's Always "Thank You"

Buttons and fasteners and snaps, oh my!

And...belts and hooks and clasps, too.  As a matter of fact, fasteners of all kinds give me fits when I'm trying to get ready for work in the morning. Parkinson's Disease affects my coordination and fine motor skills. By the time I dress for work, my husband is usually gone, so there's no one to help me put on jewelry or fasten clothing. Most of the time, I am trying to hurry at that point in my morning, and my fingers and hands aren't cooperating! I'm ashamed to admit that in the past, I have occasionally been reduced to tears simply trying to put on my clothes and jewelry.

About a year ago, I began to pray about fastening things as I was putting them on, and I learned that God is pretty good about buttoning and snapping and clasping things.  Unbelievably, He cares about helping me get ready for work. I don't know why that surprises me so much, when the book of Matthew tells us He watches over the sparrows and the lilies of the field.

I remember a milestone in my thinking on this subject last year. I realized I had been trying to do it all myself, and only asking God to help me after I had exhausted my own resources and could not do it on my own. God wants to be my first resource, not my last. He wants me to ask Him for help, even if I think I can do it myself. He wants me to give up my self-sufficiency and learn to count on Him. I learned that everything was either going to be a cry for help, or if I had the ability to do it myself, a thank-you to Him for giving me that ability. There would be no more excluding him from the process of getting ready each day. I determined it would always be a "help me, please" or a "thank you for giving me the ability to do this today." No more doing it on my own, and feeling proud or accomplished at my work.

Today I think I learned one more thing, took one more step in my understanding, and here it is: Even if I have to ask for help, it's still a "thank you."

This is a hard one. I am not prone to thanking God for the hard things, right in the very moment when they are hard. Maybe I can thank Him a year later, or a month later, or even a day later...maybe. Even then, it's not always easy. But to thank Him right in the middle of difficulty? That takes a grace and humility I'm still working on.

But it's what we are called to do, and we can do it by faith, based on the promises in His Word. We're just thanking Him ahead of time, either for the discipline we are learning (Hebrews 12:7), or for the knowledge that He is working all things together for our good (Romans 8:28), or for the fact that He is developing character in us (James 1:2-4).

Ouch.

Thank you, Lord, for helping me fasten my clothing. Thank you, Lord, that I'm having a hard time brushing my teeth -- will you help me? Thank you, Lord, that I'm not having any difficulties today; it all went like clockwork. Thank you, Lord, that my tremors are acting up today -- please show me Your plan, and make me patient. Lord, work your plan in me.

I'm still not one of those people who can say, "I'm glad God gave me this disease because ______ ," but I'm getting closer. Maybe God can make my heart beautiful in the midst of my physical infirmity. Maybe I can believe that some day soon -- maybe.

I'm going to get ready for work now, and try to practice this new truth.

It's always "thank you."

Lessons from the Lodge

Today is my husband's birthday, and we've been stressed on all fronts lately. I wanted him to just rest from everything, mentally and physically, so we both took off work Monday and we booked a room at the Abe Martin Lodge in Brown County State Park. Our phones won't work here -- a lovely problem...most of the time. This particular time, not so much!

The Courtyard Outside Our Room at the Abe Martin Lodge

On the way home from church yesterday, our car started to overheat, so we left it in the driveway for our mechanic to could come get it. We called him on the way to Brown County and found he couldn't do it. Found another mechanic (thank you Facebook friends), but by then we were at our destination, and... phones don't work here. Finally got a signal, called, got an answering machine; it's pointless to leave a message when you can't receive a call, right?

Lesson One:  Be still and know that He is God. He's not surprised; He has a plan; it's going to be okay.
Lesson Two:  Our problems are small compared to the weight of eternity.
Lesson Three:  Our problems are small compared to the sorrows of others. Friends of ours have a funeral service today for their daughter, whose life was senselessly cut short at the hands of another. I cannot imagine. Pray for the Frazers if you read this post today.

Back at the lodge, we generally enjoy working puzzles. They occupy our minds and keep us from dwelling on the worrisome things in life. It's something we do together that brings satisfaction and enjoyment. We especially love to work puzzles in front of the fireplace at the Abe Martin Lodge.

Mike Working a Puzzle at the Abe Martin Lodge

This particular time, we found three open boxes hiding on a shelf of a coffee table in the lounge area. All three looked like a hodge-podge of various puzzles, and you could tell that not all the pieces belonged together. One of them especially piqued my interest, but it was an open box with no lid and  no picture. I had no idea what the finished puzzle would look like, or if we even had all the pieces; after all, it was a lidless box!

We rummaged around and found pieces that looked like our puzzle in all three open boxes, gathered them together in one spot, hoped for the best, and began putting together a mystery picture. We started at 8:00 PM and rang in my husband's birthday was a finished product around 2:00 AM. In the end, we found some pieces were damaged, and a few were missing, but altogether, the finished product was truly beautiful!

Lesson Four:  Mike and I both commented on the parallels between the puzzle and our lives in Christ. We went seeking the missing puzzle pieces, found them, redeemed them from their lost positions, put them together--even the damaged ones--and made something beautiful. Does that sound a little like what God does for us?

We couldn't see what the outcome was going to be, but one piece led to the next, and we just kept putting them together until suddenly we had something that made sense. God has a plan, and He knows where all the pieces fit, even though we don't. Our job is to just keep putting the next piece in place, until one day it all makes sense, knowing that the pieces WILL fit because God orchestrated them that way. If one is missing, it's not because God made it that way; it's because we were willful and careless. But that doesn't keep Him from finishing His beautiful work in us.

Now it's time to leave the lodge and go home. It's okay. We're ready to let God finish His work in us.

Our Finished Work

Curing Self-Pity

Today I had a severe case of feeling sorry for myself. As the time approached to leave for work, I thought, "I cannot do this." Standing in front of my mirror for a last-minute check, I thought again, "I just can't...."

So I got in my car and did because that's what adults do, right? At least the ones who want to keep their jobs! Once in the car, I started thinking "feel-sorry-for-myself" thoughts, until finally the tears started rolling.

Bleary-eyed, I pulled up to the stoplight behind a big pick-up truck in the left-turn lane. Apparently, he thought the oncoming traffic took too long to hit the accelerator, because he turned left in front of them. At the next stop light, he pulled up beside me. He wasn't looking at me, so I took that opportunity to study him. What was his hurry? Where was he going? He seemed preoccupied; he wasn't dressed up; he wasn't tuned in to anything around him -- he kept looking straight ahead, his thoughts obviously elsewhere. Was he a dad heading to school to pick up a sick child? Was he on an off-site job, missing his family and wishing he were home? Suddenly, instead of being irritated with his brash behavior, I felt an overwhelming need to pray for him.

Traffic patterns changed, and I found myself behind a vehicle with handicapped plates, going too slow in the left lane and driving dangerously close to the center line. Again, the irritation began..."Why are you just hanging out in the left lane? Some of us have places to be, chickie." I hate to admit that I might have actually said that out loud.

Somehow, compassion started to well up inside me again, and I wondered what the handicap was and if the driver was in pain; maybe she was on her own with no family nearby to look after her. And again, I found myself praying for her safety and well-being.

I began to study the inhabitants of each vehicle, and found myself experiencing a rainbow of emotions on behalf of the drivers who shared the road with me that morning. I believe they all got the benefit of prayer.

Then I noticed something:  I wasn't crying anymore. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself anymore. I had found a cure for the morning blahs:  Focus on others. Pray for them.

Sounds simplistic, but it got me through my morning. Maybe it won't work every time, I don't know, but it worked for me.

And, trust me, I have lots of self-pity moments.

Be Strong and Courageous

Joshua 1:5-6  "I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous."

Joshua 1:9  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Or whatever disease I have. Or however hard it is to walk right. Or however much my hand tremors. Or however tired I am. The Lord is with me.

When I feel alone. When no one understands. When I have silent tears no one sees. When I feel afraid. He will not leave me or forsake me.

He would not command me to do something I cannot do. I will be strong and courageous through His power.

Joshua was commanded to be strong and courageous because his leader, friend, and counselor, Moses, had just died. God chose Joshua to take Moses' place as the leader of the Hebrew nation as they journeyed into the promised land. He must have felt grief-stricken, alone, and insufficient for the task. But God had a plan for him, so he was commanded to put his human emotions aside and become strong and courageous.

God has a plan for me, so I'll be strong and courageous. I'm feeling doubtful, but I'm trying.

That was my jewel for the day, and after last night's tirade, I thought I should share!

It's 7:35 AM....Is it too Early to be Overwhelmed?

Today my husband and I go to Greenwood to pick up my 97-year-old grandma for church, and, as much as I love her, it takes us both to do it. She can hardly walk, and we have to go to the back of the nursing home to get her, sign her out, put her in the car, put her wheel chair back inside the building, and drive us all back to Franklin for church. Once there, we walk her inside (that's a big job -- she cannot see either), sit by the back door in case of a bathroom emergency, etc., etc.

We'll cook dinner and eat at home since she isn't really able to go out, and we pretty much need to cut up her food for her since she can't see it.

We'll clean up dinner, then rest a few minutes. Today, we'll cut that rest a little short because I have to go to the funeral home between 3:00 - 5:00 for my co-worker's grandfather, and we have to pick up the other car we left at my work yesterday. We'll do all that when we take my grandma back to the nursing home in Greenwood this afternoon.

If I could just rest all day, I think I might feel better today...I guess we'll never know!

So, Lord, I'm in need of strength and energy today. Guest reader, if you read this early enough, I could use your prayer support!

I don't know any other way than just straight through it. Tomorrow is my appointment with the Life Wellness Center on the other side of town, then work from 12:30 - 5:30. Tuesday I work from 8:00 - 12:00, then my neurologist appointment on the other side of town at 2:30. Wednesday I work from 12:30 - 5:30 then a hair appointment at 6:00 for cut and color. As much as I need my hair cut, I guess I could cancel that. By the time Wednesday gets here, I may not be able to make it if something doesn't change!

Reminds me of an old song from somewhere back in my life... it never was my favorite, but today, it sure seems appropriate.

Lynda Randle, did you feel this way when you wrote this song?

From "One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus:"

"One day at a time, sweet Jesus,
That's all I'm asking of You.
Just give me the strength to do every day
What I have to do.
Yesterday's gone, sweet Jesus,
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord, help me today,
Show me the way
One day at a time."

Hope in Disguise....or Something Like That

I sure hope it's Hope in Disguise, because this has been a crummy day! That was the most positive title I could muster!

First though, Yolanda asked me to journal about how I'm feeling, so here it is:

• I slept great last night but I went to bed too late. The only times I woke up were to go to the bathroom, which was about 3 times in the night. That must mean the nighttime tea worked well! 
• I think it's actually a good think that I had to get up for the bathroom so many times -- I think our goal is to wash out my system. 
• I also had a lot of "system washing" during the day today -- also a good thing.
• When I woke up this morning, my legs were soft and spongy, not hard like before. As the day went on, however, they became hard again. We must have done some good in our session yesterday!
• During the day at work I was terribly shaky and had an awful time getting it under control... of course it was a difficult and stressful day, and I'm sure that contributed to the problem.
• Not sure if my energy level was up today or not, but I don't think it was as bad as it sometimes is.

Now for the crummy part...when I got to work, my lending partner was there, but my boss was on vacation. I've been gone 2 weeks (doctor's orders), so there was a lot I needed to catch up on, plus we had to cover our boss' desk while he is gone this week. Of course, my email was crazy, too ....437 of them. The branch was fully staffed otherwise (I work for a financial institution), so it was okay for about a minute.

I'd been at work about an hour, when my lending partner got a call that her grandfather had developed a brain bleed and was not expected to make it through the day. She's very close to her grandfather, so she was very broken-up, and immediately left to go to the hospital. He passed away a couple of hours later, so she will be gone for the next 3 days. That left me to cover my own 437 emails (and counting - they were multiplying faster than I could knock them out), along with my manager's desk, my lending partner's desk, and my own desk. Oh, and that meant we were short-staffed for the week, so I had to re-work the schedule, and get on the phone to find extra help from other branches. And did I tell you that I'm only allowed to be at work 5 hours a day this week and next -- again, doctor's orders.

There was absolutely no possible way to do all that I had to do. Even if all three of us had been there, I would still have been behind. You can only imagine how I felt being the only office person there today, and all week, for that matter. Had it been any other time, I would have just stayed late and come in early to try to get a handle on things, but I am under written doctor's orders to limit my time to 5 hours a day. I am stuck, yet somehow, still responsible for what doesn't get done.

When I got home, I sat at the kitchen table and sobbed, trying to get the words out to tell my husband. 

I guess no matter how bad my day was, it beats losing  your grandfather. I am so sorry for you, Melissa.

Do you ever feel like God gets you when you're down? Or maybe He lets you get down so that you will actually stop and listen to the voice that's been there all along. Maybe that's what happened to me today because on the way home (while I was crying), I heard a Christian song on the radio that made me realize something:  

For all my asking for prayer, and thinking about my situation, I think that's ALL I'm doing. I don't think I'm praying for my own circumstance. I'm feeling a little resistant about that, but I don't know why. I'm trying to "draw closer," but sometimes it's hard. Like now.

Okay, it's time for watermelon...which reminds me:  I did a good job sticking with my new diet today.

So, there it is -- the good, the bad, and the terrible. Let's just call it Hope in Disguise.