Walking on the Water

God has never called me to exercise such faith as He has just now. I have never felt so out of control as I do right now. Life has never been more uncertain than it is right now. I'm walking on the water, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

I am Peter. The storm rages around me, our tiny boat is taking on water, and I admit it; I am terrified. The lightning flashes and we catch glimpses of a distant vessel and its single occupant. Maybe help is coming? A peal of thunder roars across the water and the sky lights up like the noonday sun. In that moment we see the vessel is closing fast, and the commander, he's...he's standing up tall, still and straight, on the bow of the boat, unafraid. He seems to hover just above the vessel like no human could do. Is this a ghost? The vessel's approach is swift and now he is so close we can hear his voice over the din of the storm. It sounds like Jesus? No. It can't be him. We left him on the shore to rest several hours ago after he finished preaching.

But the voice -- it sounds like his. If it's really him, he can walk above the water. He can do things. He knows things. If it's really him.

Our boat is filling with water and we're bailing as fast as we can, but it's not enough. Terror grips my heart. I look up at him, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come." Just one word. Come. But it is enough. It is Jesus.

What is there to lose? We are taking on water and we're far from shore; we'll all most certainly drown without him. Yes, Jesus, I'll come.

My hands grasp tight to the sides of the boat, but only for a second. All doubt disappears and with one leap of faith I'm on the water, eyes trained on Jesus. Our eyes lock and all else falls away; His alone is the power. His alone is the glory. In Him alone is my faith. The water is solid, the storm fades, and I'm taking another step toward my Savior.

Lightning cuts through the sky and arches out behind me. His eyes hold mine, willing me not to look away. A clap of thunder nearly drowns the screams of my companions and I hear the unmistakable cracking sound of our mast as it splinters and catches fire. His eyes hold me, implore me, steady me. But I must know.

And so I look away. I look behind me at the triumph of the storm's fury. The fire, the lightning, the thunder...and the water.

"Help me, Lord! I'm going under." I should be afraid, but I am calm. Cold black water swallows me, pulls me down. Seaweed tangles around me and I close my eyes and wait. It's quiet.

A beat, maybe two, and suddenly my senses are alive and my body tingles with power as a hand reaches deep to touch my own. His hand. It raises me up, up, up, and I feel hope coursing through my heart. I emerge from the water to find myself face to face with Jesus. He's in our boat, both hands now raised to the sky, locked in a fierce battle with the storm. Finally, He lowers His hands and his head. The wind dies away with the motion and the sky sucks the rain back into itself. The lightning is extinguished like a campfire, and the stars appear.

He looks at me again and all I ever needed is in his eyes. There is no condemnation. He is God. My God. My Savior. The One who commands the universe. The One who knows my next step. The One who pulls me up when my feet fail.

My storm isn't lightning and waves, but I am Peter. All is stripped away until all that is left is to look at God. All I can do is trust. So I plunge out of the boat, onto the water.

Catch me, God. Hold me up above the waves. Extinguish the storm. Calm my fears. Hold my hand. Dry my feet. Comfort my soul.

Here I am.

Where Feet May Fail...Below is the link to one of my favorite songs about being called out onto the water. Listen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJJJkiRukY

Matthew 14

Jesus Walks on the Water

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

It's Not Okay

My niece, Livvy, and I have a wonderful and close relationship; I respect her opinion and often seek her advice. But sometimes we keep it light and just chat, or brainstorm, or laugh.

A couple of days ago we were together discussing health issues, both our business endeavors, and other fairly weighty issues. I wasn't feeling particularly optimistic about any of them and spoke openly about my frustration. My wise, sweet niece called me out on it in her own respectful, loving way.

She reminded me of conversations we've had in the past in which we discussed the impact of our words, and the effect of positive affirmations, particularly those spoken out loud.

Of course, I immediately began making excuses, "But I don't feel that way. I seriously don't feel good and I am truly having issues with my business. What am I supposed to say? I can't say 'oh, I feel great' when I don't!"

"You say it sarcastically or jokingly if you have to, but you say it. Out loud. It's okay to say, 'oh, I'm just full of energy today,' even when you think you can't take another step."

And the implication was, "It's NOT okay to give the enemy a foothold with your words."

Our words matter -- just think of all the Scriptures that reference words! Here are just a few:

• God SPOKE everything that is into existence
• The Israelites experienced God's punishment because they GRUMBLED against Moses
• The Israelites SHOUTED and the walls of Jericho came down
• God caused a donkey to SPEAK in the Old Testament to get the donkey's owner's attention
• Jacob was named deceiver and he became exactly that; God renamed him Israel and he turned his life around and lived up to his new name
• The book of Romans tells us we must 'CONFESS WITH OUR MOUTH' the Lord Jesus Christ' and believe in our hearts to be saved

Livvy's right--my words matter. I'm so grateful she loved me enough to speak truth into my life that day.

It's not okay to verbalize defeat. Instead, I decided that day to claim happiness, and it revolutionized my day!    

I Want...

I want...something, but I don't know what it is. I feel unsettled.  I'm vaguely unhappy and I don't know why. I'm feeling empty, tired, and in need of something different.

Sound familiar? It's certainly an old and comfortable chorus in the song of my life. I revert to this stanza regularly, and I never seem to find answers to stop the coda of repeats. It seems that I always end up back on this verse, rehearsing the restlessness, singing the blues, holding out for the next thrill, drumming my fingers, wishing for who-knows-what.

And then, out of the blue, today it hit me. I'm not missing anything. I'm not empty. I'm not unfulfilled. I'm just falling for one of the oldest tricks in Satan's handbook.

Discontentment.

Discontentment makes you want something more. Makes you believe that something is missing. Obscures the blessings that come your way. Deceives you into thinking the next thrill will satisfy you. Causes you to lust after the world. Keeps you off balance. Makes you ineffective in your day-to-day life. Derails your focus.

Discontentment is believing a lie that keeps you perpetually waiting for something to fill you. Your self-focus on fulfillment stops you from ministering to others. As a matter of fact, it stops you from any outward-focused activity at all.

What if we stopped entertaining restlessness, stopped looking for something to consume. What if instead, we counted our blessings, reflected God's love? Would the restlessness go away?

I'm sorry for the restlessness I have entertained and nurtured. I am already full, already blessed, already fulfilled. I just forgot for a moment.

"Count your blessings, name them one by one; count your blessings, see what God has done..."

This is My Job, My Battle...I'm Waging War

I used to have a vocation that demanded I show up every day and give 100% while I was there. I still have a job like that, but now I've added a new full-time job:  studying my disease.

It's ironic. Those of us who have the least amount of energy in reserve are also the ones called upon to expend the most energy working two full-time jobs.

I guess I have two choices:

1) Work just one full-time job and let Parkinson's Disease happen to me like a hurricane relentlessly pounding on my door in increasing severity every day. Let other people control my health plan. Accept PD as my new lifestyle and let it in my door as if it were that one family member we all dread spending time with because they just won't leave. Resign myself to entertaining PD during its permanent, and demanding, visit.

OR I can

2) Look PD in its wicked evil eye, put on the boxing gloves, and take it head-on. Study it. Build a mental picture of me without PD.  Use healing words, think healing thoughts, eat healing foods, participate in healing exercises. Find out how other people with PD are managing their symptoms through food, exercise, glutathione treatments, essential oils and other holistic approaches. Work at it like it's a full-time job. Work at it like it's my first priority full-time job since I have two now. One job pays the bills, and one might save my life.

PD...it's requiring action and a new commitment from me. If I don't fill the space in my life with this new job, PD will seep in like a silent noxious gas, filling every corner with suffocating invisible fumes.

PD, you will never be my friend. You are not welcome here. I'm declaring war right here, right now. No longer do I say, "I have Parkinson's Disease." Instead, I'll say I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease, or I exhibit PD symptoms. I don't claim this disease as my own, even though I might suffer today with symptoms that look like PD.

I'm at war, but I need help. I need the energy of my family and friends to infuse me regularly. I need the prayer support of people who love me. I need encouragement and new ideas from everyone I know. I need to be reminded that I am not alone. On some days I might even need to be carried. But, hear this: I am not pulling over and stopping. I am not giving up. I am not rolling over.

I'm fighting.

chttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

"Starting right now I'll be strong...and I don't really care if nobody else believes 'cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me."  Rachel Platten, Fight Song

Giving and Receiving Advice

Advice. I've earned the right to give some!

When you've lived long enough to have a little age on you, and to show a little wear and tear around the edges, something happens inside you that makes you want to give advice and share what you've learned over the years. Unfortunately, not everyone receives it well! When I was young, I don't remember placing importance and respect on all the advice available to me from my older relatives and acquaintances. I wish I could go back and do that differently.

So if anyone would listen, what would I tell them?

To some of my family members, I would say be kind and tolerant. You don't have to be abrasive to make your point. It's okay, and even good, to have your own strong opinions on current issues, but remember there are many good people out there who do not, and never will, share your viewpoint. They're still good people. It's not our job to argue and beat them down until they are cowered in a corner with no choice but to pretend to go along with you. Let your natural sweet self shine through. Be more concerned for other people's personal well-being than you are about whether they agree with you.

To others in my family, I would simply say there is only one true God Jehovah, and you will one day stand before Him. When you do, all the things of this life will fall away as unimportant and meaningless. Whether or not you believe it has no bearing on whether it's true. Now is the time to prepare for your eternity.

To my insistent customers at work--those who leave me a message at 7 PM and call again at 10 AM the next morning wondering why I haven't returned their call yet....you are not my only customer. Your file is important, but today it might not be the MOST important one on my desk. There's only one of me, and you have no idea of my workload. Relax..just a little, at least!

There are those people who use Facebook and other social media as their own personal venue for incendiary and deliberately controversial comments. Please stop it! You're ruining a good thing, spreading ugliness in the world, and baiting people into showing their darker selves.

To young people trying to figure out who to be and how to act:  be yourself....always! Whether it's a job interview or a date, if you put on an act and you actually get the job (or the second date), it won't last. Eventually, your employer or your date will find out who you really are. You'll crash and burn.

To Christians who sit in restaurants long after closing and leave inadequate tips:  please don't tell the servers you are Christians -- you're giving the rest of us a bad name.

I would like to advise some of my family to be less narrow. Being well-read is a good thing, but when you only read sources that support your own viewpoint, you're closing your mind more and more every day, not opening it, or expanding your horizons. Don't be afraid to read and consider other viewpoints. It will make you stronger!

So, I've given out all my good advice for the day.

Now I'll tell you what advice I'd like to receive:

• How do you live with this disease?
• How do you afford to go on disability? Do you have to sell all you hold dear and move out of your beloved home just to quit work and have more good years?
• Is that trade-off worth it?
• How do you simplify your life to the point that you can manage it when you get home at night?
• How do you live with the guilt of what you're doing to your spouse, as they are forced into the role of caregiver?
• Is there happiness in spite of PD?

Ouch! Asking for that advice was a little more painful than I thought it was going to be! If you have answers for me on any of those questions, please comment. I'd love to hear from you.

Counting my Blessings

You know what? Life is good. Even if it's just for this one minute, it's good. I spend so much time complaining that today I want to just tell you the good things. I want to proclaim them for everyone to know!

You've heard it said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...well, I think good and bad are in the attitude of the proclaimer. The last time I posted, my feelings were raw, I was afraid, I felt bad, and I was losing hope. I wrote a transparent post that revealed all of that to the reader... I didn't leave you guessing about how I felt!

Today...well, today is a whole new day. It's a GOOD day, and you know why? Because I feel good and I have hope again. Objectively speaking, the world looks pretty much the same as it did when I last posted, but one thing has changed:  my attitude is different. See? Good and bad are in the attitude of the proclaimer!

The good things in my life today won't mean much to most of my readers, and that's okay. In a few minutes, I'm going to name them anyway. Maybe it will encourage you to make your own list of good things. But before I give you my list, I want to tell you about a childhood memory.

We always went to church when i was growing up, and all the songs we sang are indelibly imprinted in my mind even today. I remember one old hymn we must have sung a lot. It was called "Count Your Blessings," written by Johnson Oatman, Jr. in 1897. Even though it's an old song, the principles are sound, the theology is right, and the application is still current. Here are the words:

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
2. Refrain:
   • Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God has done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God has done.
3. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
4. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—money cannot buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
5. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

So.... here are some of my specific personal blessings in this good day, recounted in no particular order. I'd like to name them publicly now, and be grateful for them:

My parents just adopted an adult woman my age! I have a sister now!

It's Independence Day. Our country is still a good place to live -- we are all rich in comparison with most other countries. And, depending, upon which index you reference, the US is still ranked as the 20th freest country in the world.

My new PD medication is agreeing with me, and after only 3 days, I might be starting to notice a difference! I'm actually a little concerned that I might have TOO much energy -- sleep is not even close, and it's after 11:00. That's okay -- I have hope now, and that makes all the difference.

When I went out to eat with my family for lunch today, I found that Ruby Tuesday's actually has a gluten-free bun! I had the first hamburger sandwich WITH bun that I've eaten out in literally years!

My brother and my nephew are staying over with us tonight so they can catch an early train out for their next job in Denver tomorrow morning. I got to fix snacks for the road for them and provide them a free, clean place to sleep tonight.

My parents and my new sister came to visit today. It seems my parents recently "found" some forgotten money, and they decided to share with us!  They got us a new printer, filled up our gas tank, and took me shopping today! We had such a sweet visit!

Our house is fairly clean and picked up, so we were able to welcome last-minute company without anxiety.

We actually got our printer hooked up and working without having to call support for help! This is BIG for non-techy people like us!

I have a good job that has the potential for significant earnings, and it really is going pretty well. I'm looking forward to going in tomorrow after the long weekend. Well, okay, that might be slightly overstated...I'm not dreading it, at least!

Our garden is beautiful, and it's bearing cucumbers, peppers, and zucchini. There are pretty green tomatoes on the vines just biding their time, waiting to ripen. Our garden makes me smile all the way down in my heart.

Lastly, I've had the privilege of calling the sweetest, kindest man in the world my husband for 25 years now!

I am blessed. The blessings didn't come because I felt good today. They were there all along, I just couldn't find them. Maybe I wasn't looking hard enough.

Go out today and be blessed. Count your blessings with me!

Faces of Humanity

It’s easy to get caught up in my own little world, writing about my own little disease, my own little vacation, my own little life…

But all around me are faces of people with lives of their own. They remind me not to become so self-absorbed; that my life isn’t nearly so bad, or maybe that it isn’t nearly so good, as someone else’s. And almost anyone is willing to talk to a listening, sympathetic ear.

I don’t know how people know I’m a good listener, but they instinctively seek me out --- and I’m talking about total strangers now, not just friends and acquaintances. People in Kroger ask if I know where the beans are. People in the parking lot ask me for directions. People in Kohl’s ask me about the weather.

Once my niece walked through Kroger with me and we must have talked to 3 or 4 strangers. I asked her if I had a sign on my forehead that said, “Talk to me.” She told me my problem is that I make eye contact and smile at people.

Is that really a problem? I like people. They remind me that there’s goodness in the world; sometimes they make me remember there’s evil in the world too. But always they make me mindful that my life and circumstances are not the worst or the best.

I’m sitting in our Amtrak sleeper berth right now, blogging offline until I can find a connection. We’re on our return trip after a lovely vacation. We departed Grand Junction, CO at 10:23 AM, about an hour ago. We’re due in to Chicago’s Union Station at 2:50 tomorrow afternoon, then destination Indianapolis around midnight tomorrow night.

In all of our wanderings over the last week or so, we’ve met lots of strangers with compelling stories. I know I’ll never see them again, and I wonder what will become of them.

I’m thinking especially of Phyllis...quite a forward older lady who asked if she could sit with us in the observation car on our westbound train. We were enjoying the intimacy of our shared anticipation of the next leg of our journey, and didn’t really want company. But Phyllis was alone and apparently needed companionship, so we said we didn’t mind if she sat with us. We wanted to enjoy conversation with each other, but Phyllis kept us occupied with chit-chat non-stop for about 2 hours, during the most scenic portion of our train ride. She was returning home to Glenwood Springs after attending her grandson’s 4th birthday party in Denver. She was a retired controller, and chatted about her daughter, water rights, the “world’s oldest visible stone,” a recent train accident, why you shouldn’t talk on your cell phone while charging it, and the flora and fauna of this part of the country (to name a few!). I told her it was our 25th anniversary, and she said, “That used to be part of my happily ever after too, until I got a divorce.” Though she didn’t go on, it was obvious that Pandora’s box of pain, shame, and disappointment had cracked it’s lid a little.

And then there was Adam, our shuttle driver from the hotel. He used to work in the oil fields, and only saw his family once every 2 or 3 months, so he quit and took this job for about one third of the pay. He said it was his first “tip job.” He didn’t do anything out of the way, but I got the feeling there was a rougher side to him that we were not seeing. He showed us where his family lived, and alluded to the fact that he might have had a drinking problem in the past. He would have told me anything else I wanted to know, but I didn’t ask.

We also met Ella May and her friend, both in their 80’s, who took lavish and frequent vacations together; Jan, a tour director who hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in at least 2 days because she was taking care of injuries and illness within her group; two unnamed guys in their 60’s, one of whom shared my banking profession and just retired June 1; Torrie, our server at Jeffrey’s Steakhouse, who is getting married in 2 weeks and wanted to know the secret to making a marriage last 25 years; and an older French couple who couldn’t speak a word of English, but managed to communicate that he had been in insurance and she was in banking.

These are the faces of humanity. These are people I don’t really know, but I sympathized with and privately prayed for. These are  people who shared a piece of themselves with a total stranger, trusting they would be well-received. These are people who might hurt more than I hurt...who might have deeper scars than I have, and whose future may be bleaker than mine.

God bless you, Phyllis, Torrie, Jan, Ella May, and all the rest who may not have shared your name with me. Thank you for reminding me that I am not the only one in pain, and my pain is not greater than everyone else’s pain. Thank you for granting me perspective.

For a convicting music video by Brandon Heath that puts feet to this topic, go to https://g.co/kgs/pJvWxE.

Short Take...Every Day

Winning...

Choosing right...

Surrender...

Accomplishing these things is good, but it's a daily discipline. Pretty soon all those individual days of discipline put together make a habit.

The key is that it happens one day at a time.

Winning, choosing right, surrender -- you don't just do it once, and then you never have to work on it again. No, it's a daily thing. If I won yesterday, I have to do it again today, and again tomorrow.

Keep at it. Every single day.

Welcome, world, to my own private pep talk for Tuesday!

Holding the Line

Why is it that I always have something to say EXACTLY when I should be getting ready for work, or going to bed, or fixing dinner? Like right now...I should be getting ready for work.

That theme falls in step and relates loosely with what's on my mind this morning  It occurs to me that many of us adjust our lifestyle from crisis to crisis, instead of holding the line steady during crisis, thus ensuring the boat is still tied to the dock when we emerge on the other side. If we're constantly adjusting, our horizon is constantly shifting, our goals become obscured, and we finally lose our way altogether.

I know, because I lost my way, and I just now realized it.

We all have crises in life --- true, legitimate crises. We have them all the time. They will always be there, and they will always demand our attention. They will always bid for a position as our highest priority, and they will always drain us of our greatest resources:  time and energy.

But our life's goals cannot, must not, be compromised by each crisis that comes along, no matter how legitimate.

My recent personal experience is an example of that exact error. In October last year, I was approached by a recruiter for a new job. It took about six weeks to work through all the interviews and applications, accept the job, get through orientation, and out into the field. It was dramatic and all-consuming, and huge in my life. I made the mistake of putting everything else on hold "just until I get through this job change."

It was Thanksgiving time when I finally made the transition, and then we were thrown into the whirlwind of the holidays. I put everything on hold again "just until the holidays are over."

I was just "making plans" to "get back on track" -- do those phrases sound familiar? -- when my brother had a horrific, fiery racing accident on February 13, and we nearly lost him (read about his ordeal, or donate to gofundme here: /http://www.motorsportsnews.net/columnists/stephen-cox-blog/trapped-burning-race-car-part/).

So, I've been putting life on hold "until things get back to normal" for my family. Again.

Let's just get real and track this decline: In October I stopped eating properly, I stopped going to the Life Wellness Center for therapy, I stopped exercising, and I stopped effectively meal planning. It was just for a few weeks, until I got through my job change.

Now it's March. I still haven't resumed a proper diet, I am still promising the Life Wellness Center that I'll be back soon, and I still have great plans to exercise again. Oh, and I'm really serious about not eating out so much. Right away... just as soon as my brother gets well.

Really?

I had legitimate crises in life, one after the next. But I have news for all of us in crisis:  the emergencies will keep coming. There will always be a good reason why I cannot achieve my goals this month. I'm starting to see why I cannot adapt and adjust my lifestyle at every turn to accommodate the crisis of the day.

The answer? I think I have to hold the line, no matter the weather. I have to write down the coordinates of the goal, and keep it in view, no matter if the waves roll into my boat. I might have to row a little more slowly while I bail the water out, but the coordinates don't change, and I never stop looking at the goal. Progress might be a little slower at times, but there must always be progress. Progress in my spiritual walk, progress in my physical health, progress in my push toward a timely retirement.

The key is progress. The goal doesn't change. Crisis does not exempt me.

Just something to think about.

Reflections, Part 2

In my last post, I made a statement that stayed with me, and made me think.

I said, "Victims respond. Winners make a  plan and follow it." Is that true? Aren't we supposed to be responders in certain areas of life? Isn't response a manifestation of the human, empathetic side of us?

Yes, to all of the above.

Several years ago I read a book called "Margin:  Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives," by Dr. Richard Swenson (2004). It changed my life, and I highly recommend it. Dr. Swenson is a Christian and a medical doctor, and the premise of his book is that we plan for response. 

Planned response isn't a sporadic knee-jerk reaction shared with humanity at large in shotgun fashion. Planned response, rather, looks something like this:

Suppose God has gifted you with an ability and love for helping others in need. Then you would want to be prepared with financial and/or time reserves that would allow you to offer help in those areas as a need arises. In other words, save up your money, and don't schedule every last minute of your time. Now you have planned for response. When the family two doors down loses their job, you have both the financial resources and the time reserves to buy and deliver a bag of groceries. You have margin in your time and money.

So, I'm sticking with what I said in my last post. Winners do make a plan and follow it, but that plan wisely builds in margin for the unexpected. In contrast, victims have no margin. Victims let life happen to them, then cry about the results they don't achieve.

I want to be a winner. I want the safety of a plan. I want the gift of margin.

So...let's go do it!

Reflections

My blog has been silent for a long time, but I finally have something to say.

For 2 months, I've been off balance, out of control, out of breath. In November I got a new job and a new occupational focus. With the whirlwind job change, I stopped working on my health issues, stopped going to exercise class, stopped going to physical therapy. As a result, my Parkinson's is worse, and my overall health has deteriorated. I've had a respiratory bug since before Christmas, and I can't seem to shake it. We've eaten out too often because I didn't have time to plan. We're always scrambling, always behind, never in control. I couldn't seem to find solid ground again.

Until yesterday. After much contemplation, I had an epiphany that changed my outlook. I realized that nothing is any different than it ever was. I'm not lost; I just stepped off the highway for a minute.

God's plan for my life hasn't shifted. My physical condition hasn't changed, and the protocol to increase my mobility is still the same. Words are still my canvas, writing is still my future. My faith, my family, my health, and my work still define the borders of my world.

With that realization came a couple of questions:  What does that mean? What's the practical application?

I guess, for me, that means:

1)  I'll control my destiny instead of responding to my circumstances. Victims respond. Winners make a plan and follow it. It's pretty much that simple. When winners stop controlling their world and start reacting to it, they become victims.

2)  My health will again get top billing. I know what it takes to feel better, and I'm willing to do it. That includes returning to the Life Wellness Center, re-joining exercise class, and correcting poor eating habits. Our excessive eating out is taking a toll on us physically and financially, and I can make it stop with just a little planning (at the end of this post, I'll share my plan).

3)  My relationship with God is central to everything else. It's the foundation for my life, so I'll protect and nurture it above everything else. That means I'll start on a devotional plan, and set aside the same time every morning to get reacquainted with God

Reflection is good, but I don't want to do too much of it. I want to spend my time looking forward, not backward. The past is somewhere I've already been, so it's comfortable (and it's certainly not as scary as my future!). But I don't care. I still choose to go forward.

Now, about my plan for eating in and eating healthier for dinner: I found a website/e-cookbook that has healthy recipes, mostly gluten-free and dairy-free, that go from freezer to crockpot. It's at newleafwellness.biz (be sure to get the .biz part right). I just took about 4 hours this weekend to put together 14 meals. I can handle that.

My plan for lunch is a combination of leftovers and mason jar salads for both my husband and me. My 4-hour cooking sprint also included making up 5 mason jar taco salads (layer in mason jar: salsa, plain yogurt, black beans, cooked taco meat, cheese and lettuce, in that order; seal, refrigerate, and store for up to a week).

The food part is only one piece of getting back on track, but it's the one I can put my hands on, and see, and taste. It represents one little victory for 2016.

And that's good enough for today.

Little Things Matter

Again, something Yolanda and Joshua said to me at my last visit to the Life Wellness Center. They were talking about my diet and not cheating, even a little bit, because "even little things matter."

I've been thinking about that for several days now, and it occurs to me that little things matter in much more than diet.

Little things matter when it comes to encouraging someone. I sent a very quick thank-you note to my boss's boss at work, and today she stopped me to tell me how much it meant to her. How many times have I intended to take 5 minutes to write a note, or do something kind for someone, but pushed it to the back burner, and never got it done? What blessings did I miss?

Little things matter when it comes to integrity and character. If I lie to someone on the phone at work--just once--and my co-workers hear me....a shadow falls across my character. You can't take back the words you spoke. You're building a reputation that defines your integrity and character, and every little word, every little action matters.

Little things matter when you're trying to heal a sick body. Negative thoughts and words matter. What you eat and drink matters. Exercise and rest matter. Every little thing matters.

The Bible talks about how much little things matter. The first passage that comes to mind is one about controlling a little thing.....my tongue:

James 3:4-5 "Look at the ships also; though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things."


Another passage that comes to mind is about worry and anxiety -- it describes how God takes care of every little thing, like the birds and flowers, so how much more will He take care of me?

Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them Are you not of more value than they?

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how much they grow; they neither toil nor spin, and yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore, do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or "What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Little words, quickly spoken, hard to call back. Little actions meant to display your emotion about something you don't like. Little lies because it's easier or nicer than the truth. Little sins that ruin your testimony and render you helpless to share the Gospel.

Little things matter...

I pray this blog will be a little thing that encourages you or lets you know you're not alone. If I were with you in person, I would hold your hand and walk with you through whatever you're going through and we would both be stronger for it.

Little things matter...even if you have Parkinson's Disease. 

How Much?

When you have too much, and all of it's good, what do you get rid of?

When you've cut everything except what you absolutely cannot cut, and it's still too much, what do you cut?

To put it in trendy HGTV vernacular, if you're moving into a tiny house, and all your must-haves don't fit, what do you trash?

So, here's way more than you want to know. Here are the ingredients that make up the recipe for my life:

• Work 40 hours weekly
• Very specific food prep for lunch and dinner for 2 people
• Detox tea, B Vitamin cocktail, beet juice cocktail, all prepped to take to work daily
• Super shake preparation for daily breakfast
• Weekly grocery shopping for specific eating plan
• Parkinson's exercise class on Tuesdays and Saturdays (The Climb)
• Church, for which we pick up my 97-year-old grandmother from the nursing home, keep her all day, and return her in the late afternoon
• Nearly a 2-hour weekly round trip to the Wellness Center for a 2-hour treatment
• Occasional laundry to make sure we have clean underwear!
• Doctor appointments that have been let go, which I finally scheduled
• Blog time
• Devotional time
• Daily exercises at home

Some of the things in my "life recipe" may not seem important to you, particularly the food prep, but each life ingredient is a well-considered and essential part of my wellness program (which, by the way, might be starting to work!). God brought me to exactly this point at exactly this time... i.e., I'm pretty sure it's all non-negotiable.

But it's too much if I want to get better.

And nothing can go if I want to get better.

I know all the things I'm doing are the things I am supposed to be doing, but I'm tired. There's no time for housekeeping, no time for yard work, no time for hobbies, no time for visiting family and friends, no time to take care of personal business. Nothing gets done in the house, and it's depressing and discouraging to me.

No time. That's the dilemma, and I don't know the answer.

Maybe I just live with it for now, I don't know. My husband told me yesterday that he could tell I was getting better; that I have more energy and look better. Some days I think he's right. Some days I'm not sure. I'm only beginning my new protocol with the Wellness Center and Yolanda and Joshua, and I am willing to see it through.

Since I don't know what to do, I think I'm going to keep on track and count on God to supply the strength. After all, He brought me this far. If I'm wrong, I know He will re-direct me.

But I don't think I'm wrong.

Be Strong and Courageous

Joshua 1:5-6  "I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous."

Joshua 1:9  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Or whatever disease I have. Or however hard it is to walk right. Or however much my hand tremors. Or however tired I am. The Lord is with me.

When I feel alone. When no one understands. When I have silent tears no one sees. When I feel afraid. He will not leave me or forsake me.

He would not command me to do something I cannot do. I will be strong and courageous through His power.

Joshua was commanded to be strong and courageous because his leader, friend, and counselor, Moses, had just died. God chose Joshua to take Moses' place as the leader of the Hebrew nation as they journeyed into the promised land. He must have felt grief-stricken, alone, and insufficient for the task. But God had a plan for him, so he was commanded to put his human emotions aside and become strong and courageous.

God has a plan for me, so I'll be strong and courageous. I'm feeling doubtful, but I'm trying.

That was my jewel for the day, and after last night's tirade, I thought I should share!

The Kroger Discovery Tour

Time to write again...I was too tired last night and I almost skipped it again tonight.

But I didn't.

I will eventually get to the Kroger thing, but first, here's a quick recap of the really important stuff.

It's been a rough week, having been the only one at work in my position, and being left to cover 3 people's desks. The one saving grace is that I am only working 5 hours a day. On the one hand, the short days hurt me because I needed 8-10 hour days to catch up, so I still have 400+ emails to contend with. On the other hand, working 5-hour days has left me with at least a little energy in reserve on most days, and has allowed me to spend a little time trying to clean up the house. I'm grateful I've been under doctor's orders for these 5-hour days, because I am feeling better than I might have been.

And here's the "how I felt today" report for Yolanda:

• Thursday morning I had a headache and felt very groggy and kind of dizzy all morning. It wasn't a bad headache, just a naggy one. I don't think I had slept well the night before.
• Thursday night I had terrible heartburn and I did not sleep very well. Is that because I cheated on my diet and had tortilla chips with guacamole at dinner? 
• I'm still having heartburn today, as well, and I haven't cheated any more. What's up with that? Is it just the side effects of my Parkinson's meds, specifically the Mirapex ER?
• My Parkinson's symptoms are not improved, but my energy level is.
• The swelling in my feet and leg is probably worse. Did you tell me it would be a little worse this week, then would get better after that?

NOW, on to the Kroger story! 

I never realized all the stuff you can find in the grocery store! Typically, I go in the store by the produce section, then hit most of the aisles, working off of a list, going straight to the product I want, and moving on. I suspect most of us do it pretty much the same way. Even when I don't have a list, I still go straight to the product. 

What I'm getting at here is that I never, ever look at certain items in the store. Now that I've been put on a special diet by Yolanda, however, I've been looking for something new, and I've opened my eyes to more of what's out there. For instance, I NEVER go to the water aisle, but I'm supposed to be drinking a certain kind of alkaline water now, so I started looking. Holy cow! I couldn't believe all the kinds of water you can buy! 

And what about the international aisle??!! Wow! All those bizarre ingredients that show up on Chopped must come from this aisle:  fish sauce, oyster sauce, rice noodles, 15 kinds and sizes of flour tortillas, Thai soup, clam juice, coconut milk, chow mein noodles, etc., etc., etc.!

And then, there's the cold cut section and the frozen meat section (I was trying to find some new applications/products for turkey or chicken). I typically avoid these areas because they are full of processed foods, and I don't believe those foods are healthy. In desperation, however, I was wiling to try to find something new that fit my diet parameters. Again, WOW! Do you have any idea how many kinds of frozen breakfast items you can buy? Everything from frozen sandwiches to organic frozen sausages that are almost healthy, 19 kinds of potatoes, and English muffins, gluten free and regular! (Am I the only one who never knew this?!)

I guess I'm just saying open your eyes. See what's around you. Look someplace you never looked before. Venture out. Try something you never tried before. Speak to someone you never talk to. Order something you never get at your favorite restaurant. Wear something you haven't worn in months. 

Have we forgotten how to be original? How to think outside the box?

It might give us all a new perspective!

Short Take...What a Really Good Day Looks Like!

Okay, so I'll just start by saying I have a boundless amount of energy, at least for me! I got up with Mike at 5:00 AM, took a 30-minute nap after he left, worked from 12:30-5:45, stopped at the grocery afterward, and brought home Jimmy John's for our dinner. It's almost 9:00 PM, time for bed, and....I don't want to go. My body seems tired but I still want to do stuff!

So, here's the journal of how I felt today--especially for you, Yolanda!

• The aforementioned energy level was wonderful! Even if it's just for one day, and I don't know why it happened, I'll take it and be glad!
• My swelling was just about the same as always.
• No headaches or body aches.
• I haven't been especially hungry, and have had to remind myself to eat.
• My stomach pain is much better.
• In short, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm still dragging my left foot, and struggling with my tremor and issues with my gait, but I'm feeling pretty good!

Work was better, although I still have over 400 emails. My boss' boss came to help me and also bought lunch for the branch, and that encouraged me. I also got some help from the teller line on some items that I could delegate. My boss got us some extra coverage for the teller line so that I didn't have to take on any of those responsibilities, even during lunch. Even though I didn't get through my emails (clearly), I did put out some fires.

Today was so much better than yesterday, and I am so grateful, so let's just call it a day and end on a short, happy note tonight!

If you prayed for me today, this gift of energy and productivity was because of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.