It Could be Better

My health. The way I feel. My energy level. My attitude. The way I'm eating. The hours of rest I'm not getting. My expectation of how I should feel.

It could be better. All of it.

I know I'm a great big complaining baby, but I'm tired of all the back and forth, all the ups and downs. It's like a roller coaster slowly heading up the rails:  my medicine stops working...click, click up the track...I feel bad, life is awful... slower and slower until the coaster almost stops...I get new medicine...cresting the hill now...it works great...coming over the top...I feel good...picking up speed...life is fabulous...and swoosh down and around the curve...not feeling so good today...and now we're headed back up the hill...click, click, click. It takes my breath away. It's exhausting!

So now the medicine I started taking 3 or 4 weeks ago doesn't seem to be helping me as much as it did at first. My first reaction is to let it drag me down, discourage me, make me give up. I'm tired of going up the hill.

But, you know, while that is discouraging, I really want to find solid, level ground. I don't want my whole world to be a roller coaster predicated on how I feel on any given day. I need more stability in life than that, and the poor people around me deserve better!

I also have guilt. I'm not sure how that ties in, but somehow, in my mind, it does.

I have guilt because I have friends with PD and relatives with other equally debilitating kinds of issues that are so much worse off than I am. I feel so blessed to be as well as I am, yet still discouraged because I'm not "normal."  I actually feel guilty that I am able to function as well as I do, compared to others I know. Maybe the guilt comes from all my complaining. Hmmm....there's a new thought.

I've heard it said of one of my disease-ridden friends, "And he never comoplains, not a word." What is wrong with me??!! I feel like all I do is complain!

This post feels kind of like the same water in the same pot, sloshing around in a different direction!  So maybe I better wrap it up for today, since I'm gonig nowhere at a pretty good clip!

Here's hoping your day (and mine) will be a pleasant ride on level ground, wind blowing through our hair, smiles on our faces, gratitude in our hearts. Let's make it so!