Fighting Your Way Through Your Fifties, Installment #3

When I started this series I thought I had so much to say, so much insight to share. After all, I had come through a personally devastating diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease, made a job change, and witnessed the miracle of my brother surviving and recovering from a horrific burn accident in a race car.  Since beginning this series, I survived two more hurdles in my fifties: losing a friend of 30 years to cancer and finding a new norm in life after my husband unexpectedly lost his job of 31 years. I thought I had grappled with, come to terms with, and conquered this decade of life already.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Somewhere in the process, while I was looking long and hard in the mirror every morning, looking for answers in the mundane, and looking for a pretty bow to wrap around my fifties, I made one more discovery: a discovery that's been trying to surface for a while, a discovery I've been pushing away, and one I'm not eager to admit.

I discovered that I haven't really coped or conquered or come to terms with anything. Instead, I've become angry. And I feel somewhat justified in my anger. Problem is, justified or not, happiness and anger can't coexist in the same heart.

So what do I want? Do I want to feel all my well-deserved anger and wallow in it every day? Or do I want to be happy?

Anger is exhausting; happiness is refreshing. Anger is a fire that must be stoked daily; happiness is a flower that needs water every morning. Anger is the default setting on your TV; happiness is high def. The heat of anger pushes everyone away; the fragrance of happiness pulls everyone in.

I have every right to be angry --- most of us in our fifties do. If our lives were measured on the face of a clock and midnight was the end, we're probably around 8:00 or 9:00 PM. And, even at this late hour, life still disappoints. 

But I don't want to be angry anymore. It's a choice, not a life sentence. Admitting it's encroaching on my happiness is the first step.

I'm praying to see the world through new eyes --- happier eyes. 

Starting today.