Once in a While

Once in a while, my heart becomes so overwhelmed I can't withstand it. Like just now.

I watched a video I knew I shouldn't watch. It was a video of an older lady with Parkinson's Disease, apparently in a nursing home. Her daughter was recording her mother as she described the hallucinations she was seeing. Most of her hallucinations weren't scary; actually, they were happy. But they were hallucinations, none the less. At the moment of the recording, she was seeing a dozen or so little flowers dancing in a line, following each other. When she looked again they were gone.

Once in a while, I forget to only think about today.

I accidentally think ahead. I wonder if I'll live to be pushed around in a wheelchair and spoon fed because I can't keep hold of my silverware. I wonder if I'll have to go to adult daycare because I can't be left alone. I wonder if I'll need a feeding tube because my ability to swallow safely is gone. I wonder if my nieces and nephews will take care of me, or if they'll even have time to visit.

Once in a while, I forget that medical advances are being made all the time.

I forget there may come a time that they find a cure; that they might make advances; that there might be light at the end of the tunnel. I forget that God has gifted humankind with medical science, and I forget that I might live to see relief or remission, or, dare I hope, restoration of health.

Once in a while, I forget His grace is sufficient.

He doesn't send a year's supply of grace for me to spend all at once. He sends just enough grace for this day, this hour, this problem, this moment. No more. I usually stay upbeat and happy because I refuse to think about the future, and I find my fulfillment in ministry for today. Except for once in a while.

Once in a while, Lord, I need you to remind me.

Remind me that you clothe the lilies of the field and you see when a sparrow falls; that to be at home in Heaven with you is better than to be at home here on earth; that the things you allow in my life are for my good, to discipline and shape me until I look just like You. Remind me that You love me more than anyone else loves me; that you know my name; that you collect my tears in a bottle. Remind me that someday you will wipe my tears away with Your tender hand; that the sum of who I am is not dependent on my physical condition.

Thank you, Lord, that you are in charge of my yesterday, my today, my tomorrow. And You are still in control of my 'once in a while.'